I'm not exactly if it's a new sense of self or an old feeling of self-awareness recently resurrected. Either way, I had the oddest sensation the other day that the tides were changing and something was dying. I'm making this sound way more poetic than it actually is. And I'm making this sound like I've actually figured out what the heck I'm talking about, but really, I haven't. I'm just writing this all out in hopes that I'll come to some conclusion at the end. I highly doubt it though. I don't think this is one of those things that I'll ever be able to conclude anything from. What do I mean? Hmm.. It's one of those intangible things that exist in your mind, in the air, in the people around you and the heart within you. As hard as you try to pin it down, it eludes you and you're only left with a sense of bewilderment and of awe.

So what am I actually trying to pin down and realize? I don't really know.

I don't know because I'm in the middle of it. I'm not exactly sure what's going on with me lately. This past week was a tumultuous ride of emotional highs and lows. Every laugh I laughed felt forced and so fake. And the pinnacle of said ride was on Wednesday (go figure). Walking home that night, a feeling so deep overwhelmed me that I was left confused and stunned. As I slowly trudged home, I struggled to comprehend what I was feeling. Now, for those around me who know me well enough, I'm pretty 'in tune' with my feelings. Ok, that sounded way more sappy than what I meant but I mean, I'm pretty adept to recognizing what I'm feeling at any given moment. But that night, I couldn't put my finger on it.. It was only when I was nearing my house that it hit me.
I was sad.

Profound thought indeed but why did that surprise me? I mean, it's such a typical and natural human emotion yet why did I feel so confused and bewildered that I was feeling that way? I think it's cuz I haven't been this sad since ... hm, since a really long time ago anyway. Yah, that's how long it's been that I don't even remember when I exactly felt this way. Or maybe this is just a different kind of sadness all together or maybe it's the same kind of sadness but in a different form. Either way, that was quite the revealing moment because it never really occurred to me that I should feel that way about everything.

Friends tell me that I should feel. That I should stop ignoring things and actually take some time to hurt. But it hurts too much to hurt. It's easier to forget this all behind and 'press on to take the goal which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus' (Philippians 4). I'm doing that and I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing... but maybe, just oh maybe, I'm also supposed to feel. cuz if I don't feel or learn from this all, I'll end up into some robot Christian adept with cliche sayings and superficial faith.


And so it comes back to the moment of self-awareness. The thought occurred to me that everything was changing when I was walking home one day (seems like that's when my most profound and deep thoughts come to me then)... I think I had just spent the day at the library reading a novel and was deep in thought over the complicated matters of the human soul (my only attempt at philosophizing English literature). I forget what I was even reading but as I entered the house and was taking off my shoes and heard R tinkering in the kitchen and her voice calling out a hello to me... It dawned on me that this was the end of something I'd taken for granted for too long. It wasn't so much a feeling of nostalgic sadness but a recognition of a time fading away. And somehow, I felt okay about it all.

It's nearly time to say goodbye to this all. I say nearly because I know and have seen the result of leaping forward into that time prematurely. I'm not there ... yet. But I'll get there eventually.
The work is cut out for me this semester in terms of academics, relationships, ministry etc but this is the last hurrah. And then what? I don't know.
A lot of people say they absolutely hate people asking them what they're going to do after 4th year. I don't hate it. I actually welcome that question because it reminds me that I'm not here permanently and that I must keep my eyes forward and not just in the moment. It's just difficult to do that sometimes when the only thing I can see ahead of me is a blurry image of a plan ... not so much a dream but a plan.

Maybe that's the thing right there and then. The plan must not be a plan but must be transformed into a dream. A dream is between reality and imagination and yet contains so much hope and future. A plan doesn't. A plan is black and white with rules and lines. I rather dream than plan. But the rational side of me says not to. I'm not exactly sure if it's the rational side of me or what society has engrained in my head that I must graduate and go onto a Masters in order to get a decent paying job to marry a decent husband and have 2+ kids with a house and the white picket fence and 2 cars in the driveway. I'm not exactly sure anymore