knowing

I'm currently doing research for my hefty History paper (worth 70% of my final mark). Initially, I randomly came up with a topic just for the sake of ... well, for the sake of starting on it. So I, on a whim, decided to research Uganda and the Lord's Resistance Army. Now, for one thing, it wasn't really "just a whim" for me to choose such a topic since in 2004, I did visit Uganda for a brief missions trip at a children refugee camp where most of the kids were former child soldiers. And though that trip and everything entailed with it shook me to my core and temporarily out of my self-absorbed world, I relapsed into basically ... well two years ... of pure "me"-ness.

[sidenote: disregard the random mixture of made up words. what can I say, English majors!]

As of lately, I've been struggling with this whole concept of selfishness. Rather, not the 'concept of', but, more or less, me being a selfish person. I hesitate to use the word "humbling" to describe what I've been mulling over these past weeks. It's more or less this entire circular circle (oh redundancy) that's been playing over and over again in my head. And now as I think of it, I have no clue what actually has been playing over and over again in my head. I can't pin point any specific incident where I was coldly confronted with the harsh reality of my self. Instead, it has been more or less this gradual delineating decline into a state of mere apathy and chaos. I sound like I'm writing my English paper (since half of them have been about each novel's character's inherent selfishness/greed etc etc).

Now, I'm not one to dismiss incidents as mere coincidences because ... well, frankly, I just don't believe in chance and I refuse to lower myself to be the whim of pure whim. Does that make sense? So ... back to the point where I started this whole blog from.

Uganda & the Conflict in the North
If you don't know what I'm talking about, check out this http://www.resolveuganda.org/situation and perhaps it'll provide a brief background to what I'm writing my research paper on. Just researching these past few weeks on the conflict and what I'm gonna write my paper on has really hit me hard... Everything flooded back to me as I read various articles about Joseph Kony and the LRA, the whole history of Uganda, the horror stories and so much more. And I couldn't help but wonder two things. Firstly, how come so LITTLE people know about this. Secondly, how can people (Kony/LRA soldiers etc) DO this to other human beings?

Fine, give me the whole dl on "no one is perfect. we are all human ... inherently evil" argument, but seriously, if you have ever met anyone who has gone through such horrible experiences or even if you have read anything about what the LRA has done, you would wonder the same thing. It makes me feel so incredibly sad and helpless to know that at this very moment, so many children there are losing their childhood due to the fact that they are caught up in the middle of this conflict.

Furthermore, after reading and researching on the origins of the LRA, I've been continually shuddering at the intense blackness of this whole conflict. Blackness meaning ... the dark spiritual war that is going on. Basically, Kony claims/was/is (no one is really sure) to be possessed by various spirits. He claims to be a diviner, a type of spiritual healer. But, despite his initial beginnings as a healer, one can see that he's obviously not doing any type of constructive healing of any kind. Deemed as mad and irrational, Kony leads the LRA in all sorts of violent acts -- abducting children, raping girls, selling children into slavery, cutting off ears, hands, lips etc. Initially, people thought that the LRA had some political force behind it, yet, it seems that Kony and the LRA are propelled, more or less, by some greater and evil power.

Reading about this has made me very aware of how real the supernatural is. Perhaps it is because I've been so busy with the mundane, the daily, my friends, my academics -- all my selfish wants that I've blinded myself to the reality of the supernatural. I am not an irrational person. By far, I think anyone who knows me would say that I'm sometimes too rational and analytical. Thus, it makes me shiver to research this and see how it is some evil power behind this whole conflict.

Moreover, (this relates somehow to the current struggle of self-awareness of my selfishness), as I am research more and more and find out the roots of the LRA and the northern conflict, I can't help but feel extremely stupid. Stupid in the sense that I've been oblivious for SO long about such an important matter. Even more stupid since I actually went to Uganda and met children who were abducted by the LRA. Even more stupid is the fact that I have been living so long in utter contentment of ... pure ignorance. There's nothing really I can say or do except chastise myself in the utmost way BUT, as I reflect upon this now, I don't think it is an accident that I chose such a topic to write my paper on.

Perhaps it is because God knows that I have been in such a state of mere apathy and self-absorption that He's been bringing about all these different projects and incidents to show that HE is outside of ME and that there are issues BIGGER than "me". I know, what a 'common-sense' lesson but really, don't we all live in a bubble world? I'd much rather continue going on not knowing than knowing.

Knowing that there are others here that are hurting.
Knowing that there are others here that need help.
Knowing that there are others here that have lost their childhood and would never be able to have it back.
Knowing that there are others here that don't know the difference between living and dying since everyday seems to be another death.
Knowing that there are others here that are ignorant, content to live in blindness.
Knowing that there are others here that are dark, unable to understand that there are others who feel, touch, hear, need, want, love, die, live ...

Knowing this all. then there must be a change.

Because, what is knowledge when it is merely stored in your head?
What will that do?
Will a tree grow there?
Will fruit pour forth?
No.

Knowledge is meaningless when nothing is done. You can talk all you want. Write all you want. Debate all you want.
End of the day. What does it matter when things go on as before?
Peace talks. Negotiations. Mere words.


sometimes i'm so frustrated at myself and others like myself that i can't help but feel rather hypocritical. and rather helpless. fine, we all are here figuring out our lives, planning our careers, our relationships, our future homes. yet, what? we're all gonna go on and live happily ever after?

don't we all want a happily ever after? yet somehow, some people will never live happily ever after.

we consume each other to the core. we consume ourselves till bones remain. and all the while, we are oblivious to the blood dripping from our mouths.