Classic Breakup Lines

On a lighter less cynical and slightly more sensical note, I'm seriously craving to watch He's Just Not That Into You . Fine, it looks like your typical chick-flick but, I highly doubt it (click on the 10 cliches). Haha. I picture myself watching this either with my best girl friend OR with a close guy friend that'll come outta the movie with me gushing gloriously on how great and awesome it is (or the exact opposite). either way, I need to watch this movie just to redeem some dying emotion inside of me that is slowly being choked by a pervading sense of cynicism and jaded resignation.

I have yet to watch the movie but the title makes me think of all those 'cliche' sayings for breakups. Let me spend some useless time conjuring up 10 classics (some I've used, others I've suggested to friends, and even others I've heard.. but never have I received any of these! haha).

E's Top Ten Classic Breakup Lines

1. I just wanna be friends
ok fine, this MAY be true but 9 out of 10 cases, you don't end up being friends. Actually you just end up avoiding each other like night and day and you slowly fade from being impossibly hurt to impossibly angry and then mind numbingly sad and finally, resigned and accepted that you'll never be friends. and that's that.
breakups = friendship officially over.
there is NO such thing as being 'just friends' with your ex.

2. I'm not able to commit right now.
(usually there follows more details as to why he/she cannot commit.. I say usually cuz there are those annoying basts out there who are too stupid and lazy to actually think of a real reason as to why they're breaking up so they use this cop out line as their default). But for those who are genuine and mature about things, I applaud you for your honesty cuz in saying that you're unable to commit, you display an understanding that relationships take work and investment and if you're unable to give that, then def no-no to being in a relationship cuz you'll just end up hurting the other person.

3. I just don't feel a connection/it just doesn't feel right
This is possibly the most annoying explanation for a breakup. it's not even an explanation if you think about it. What does it even mean? I've heard both breakup-ees and breakup-ed's (i hope you get my gist as to those receiving/doing the breakup) use this line. It frustrates me inexorably when I hear it because I feel like it's just a cop out and lazy man's way to get outta a situation they went into. And also reveals how fickle they are with their emotions. To those who use this line (or even are tempted to use it), 1) you suck 2) maybe spend some quality time with yourself figuring out where your heart is before you break some girl/guy's heart with such a callous statement 3) you need help. emotional help and psychological help. how dare you play around with another person's feelings and time based on your own fickleness?

4. You're just too good for me.
This is the 2nd most annoying explanation - for starters, if you get this explanation, it's already a warning sign that this guy is too big of a wuss for you. And secondly, 'too good' means what? It's like someone's holding up a standard of evaluation. Either way, self deprecation gets you nowhere so you should be thankful in breaking up with a guy/girl like this cuz in the long run, you'll just be stuck with a saran wrap partner.

5. I met someone else
....implication ==> who is far better in every way in comparison to you.
And to such a person who "met someone else", may I suggest that you go jump off a cliff? Thank you very much. The world would be a much better place.

6. My parents don't like you or think you're pretty/wealthy/good looking enough
Yes, freals, this is a 'real' reason that an acquaintance received from her 'boyfriend'. To him, I say, 'you DOUCHEBAG for losing such a great girl over the most superficial of parents!!!
And for others who have received such a 'reason', I sympathize with you. I truly do. It's one thing to obey parents and be obedient (especially in the Asian culture) to all the whims and desires of the parents but really now, there comes a point where you have to think for yourself. And USUALLY, for most thinking university educated young people in the 21st century, such a 'reason' for breaking up with a girl/boy is ludicrous. Or should be anyway. Apparently for some, we're still living in the pre Victorian era where a girl's looks determined her future.

7. I'm really confused and need to figure things out on my own/I'm not ready for a relationship.
Partial explanation: good enough but also leaves room for a lot of ambiguity and general sketchiness of moral character. I've known guys to use this line and then a few weeks later, to run off with some other girl... Apparently, 'figuring out things on my own' involves being in a new relationship with the next best thing.

8. We're not able to be together cuz you'll be at Point A and I'll be at Point B and it just would't work.
To this I say, you BOTH are stupid. If you love each other or you really think that it's something special and different, work your lazy ass off and make it work until it doesn't work OR it DOES work! And to the boy/girl who says he/she just can't stand being away from his/her loved one because it 'hurts too much', seriously, stop being such a baby and grow some balls (or.. for the women, some hairy legs or something) It's not the end of the world if your boyfriend/girlfriend is not 24/7 with you... And if you're one of 'those' people that protest and say "I can't do long distance. I need to have him/her around me".. I say to you, you need to grow up. Grow up in the sense, come to an understanding that your life does not and should not revolve around another individual and if it does, you are living a very unhealthy and unbalanced life. And *shudders*, seriously, what is WRONG with you, you can't have him/her physically around all the time anyway!

9.I don't love you....
Ok, this is the harshest one yet. And I don't know what to say about this because I've (yet to... *crosses fingers) experience it or have any of my friend's experience it. I don't wish anyone to have this experience because ... yah, that's too painful for anyone to bear.

10. The practise speech and list of bad qualities you dislike in the other.
At least this has some evidence to back up the reasoning. This is subjective and I think a lot of times, people who use this method are up on their high horses and fail to see that they are also at fault and just as ugly as the other person. But, at the same time, there are other people who are legitimately being hurt by their partner and should get outta that relationship asap.


I'm sure there are other breakup lines that I've (yet to) encounter (hopefully not in a personal way!). Either way, breakups suck and using those lines suck just as much. Best option: avoid the cliche-ness and opt for honesty.

edit*
11. "God doesn't want us together" - [thanks j for this one]
Yah, I don't even know how to comment on this without stepping on a lot of toes and shattered pieces of hearts on the floor (i know, gruesome depiction, sorry!) Yah, yah... I'll just end this awkwardly. It's one thing to be so in tune with God that you have a huge conviction that the relationship you are in is ... absolutely wrong and dishonouring to God. It's another thing to use this reason as justification of your faulty feelings) And if you're in the latter category, then all I can say is ... well, only you know what your relationship with God is and only God knows how true your heart and intentions are. Who am I to judge though?
Yet at the same time, I cringe inwardly when I hear this statement ... It's just, how can you possibly know positively 100% for sure whether or not God doesn't want you to be together, as a matter of fact)? I mean, there have been so many instances of righteous Pharisee-ical (not even a word, i know, english majors sucketh at writing) justification of breaking up.

But even as I type these words, I can't help but think of an all too familiar situation where it became blatantly clear that God did not 'approve' of the relationship. It wasn't so much a deep voice bellowing from heaven rather a quite and persistent convicting voice that finally tipped the boat.

The funny thing is that, when one is 'madly in love' and in the relationship, it's so easy to justify and convince yourself that "God wants us to be together". Hmm.

I don't have any great answers. I just know that the line "God doesn't want us together" isn't the best way to break up with someone. Nor do I even recommend any one ever using it because you're seriously playing on a very dangerous line between playing God and justifying your own selfishness by bringing the God of the Universe into your own little schemes.

So unless you're 100% sure that God spoke to you directly, "Mr.A, I don't want you with Ms.B" then this breakup line is a def X on my list.